From Colonoscopy To Leg Cramps

The best way to describe a colonoscopy is mid-evil torture treatment that is literally a pain in the ass!  And the prep for a colonoscopy is a cannibals way of cleaning the dinner  before the meal.  I have had several bloggers in the last few weeks ask me how I made it through so many butt adventures.  In the past few years, as all know, and if you follow my book and happenings,  intrusions to my hinny are numerous and will be as long as I keep kicking.  Part of my exam routine.  Lucky Dr. Bevers.  Therefore, I have managed to come up with a list of 10 things to help prepare for a colonoscopy. 
Throne Prepareness 101:
1).  Mentally prepare yourself days in advance.  Lots of wine helps.  Don’t eat a bunch of stuff that takes days to come out and is considered a clogger, like cheese.  It just makes it worse in the end.   No pun intended! 
2).  Have a can of foo-foo spray close by.  Not saying your poop stinks but you are the one having to sit in the fumes and no one else, hopefully, except maybe the dog and mine even left me alone.
3).  Comfortable clothing.  No pants required.  Socks or house slippers if you get cold feet. 
4).  Reading Material.  Depends on your taste in literature.  But no short stories.  You will be there a while so find one that will last as long as you do.  Catalogs, magazines, World Almanac, Colonoscopies For Dummies, are all acceptable.
5).  TV is a must.  Position it to where you can see it from the “john”.  And don’t forget the remote.  But don’t set it on your lap…for obvious reasons.  Unless it’s poop and water proof for over 8 inches.
6).  Telephone, cell phone, Ipod, IPad, lap top and any other devises that can occupy your attention for a while.  Again do not forget where you put them.
7).  Make sure to have a comfortable toilet seat.  Bill and I are very particular about our seat.  Soft and cushioned are definitely a plus. 
8).  Games, puzzles, cards…or get caught up on paper work.  Don’t forget a pencil. 
9).  Scrap-booking.  Hey, takes up time and you ain’t going nowhere!!!!
10).  Some type of butt cream handy.  “Chap my ass” used to be just a saying when one was irritated about something. Vaseline, Desitin, or aloe should be kept near in case of the “chapped ass” syndrome. 
In other words in this situation  being crazy just might work!

I was so thrilled to hear about all of your Charley Horse stories.  Seriously, I knew everyone experiences these cramps on occasion but the tales had me rolling.  So lets start out on… what causes a Charley Horse cramp?  According to Web-MD, they always come without warning.  They can be caused by taking statin drugs(like Crestor) , dehydration, magnesium or potassium deficiency, poor circulation in your legs, exercising in extreme heat, or an over-exertion of calf muscles.  Web-MD also says when one occurs you can apply heat or ice, do stretches, massage it, or take a bath in Epsom salt.  Now, the only thing I know is when I have one I have to get up and stretch it.  My friend Pat says she puts ice packs on hers,  another lady said her mom always brushed the calf with a hair brush, and others say they just wait it out.  Whatever floats your boat.

I will be nice and leave all names out.  The first story a lady said that her husband sleeps in “the buff”.  When a Charley horse hit in the middle of the night…he bolted up out of bed and started jumping up and down.  Now, visualizing this next part had me on the floor.  Buck naked jumping up and down, arms waving, spewing words of disgust and the “ole rod and reel” bouncing all over the place.   She said at that point it was hard to tell where the charley horse was. 

Another lady had a cramp in the middle of the night and started screaming and her husband flew out of bed and grabbed the pistol and was ready to blow her away thinking she was a burglar.  So here’s a hint.  Turn on the light if you are going to scream and turn the light off if your husband sleeps in the nude!  One dude was jumping all over the place and banged up against the bedroom sliding glass door and took it out while setting off the alarm.  So be careful out there. 

If you live in the Houston area there is some animal news for you.  Our neighbors rescued a dog.  8-9 month old male mix breed.  His name is Bowser because they found him on Bowser Road.  He has had his shots and will be neutered soon.  He is a camel color with a white spot on his face.  Is crate trained and is house broken.  He seems to get along with others well.  If you are know anyone interested please contact me and I will get the info to our neighbors to call you.  This little guy needs a good loving home. 

As for me I will be taking in more potassium to ward off leg cramps.  So I guess I’ll eat a banana every night as my bedtime snack.  Take a banana to bed!  No imagination journeys please.  I could have opted for a cucumber! 


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